chapter 1
back to the 'hood
august 2, 2007 1:45pm
the reality of the whole thing was that she knew what she had to do.. the reality of the whole thing is that all of this had been planned out, thought through,, firmly decided,, oh so long ago.. the reality of the whole thing was that this was never really supposed to happen...
and yet it had.. the magic words had been spoken. the sentence had been handed down,,, and there was no turning back now.
as she turned left onto clarkson avenue,, she knew what had to be done.. and yet,, having always been a huge fan of procrastination,, she knew that in order for this whole thing to work out according to plan.. she had to act,, and act now.... before she was able to think about it.. way before her logical mind had time to talk her out of it...
the buildings with which she and her little blue scion were surrounding themselves where becoming ever so much more decayed.. the graffiti, more prevalent.. the trash rolling over the tops of the dumpsters,, blowing freely down the street,, and then clinging in wet piles in the puddles of car wash water and urine that lined the sides of the road....
she had been clean for so long,, but she had never forgotten the way you could smell the street.. the way you could smell the game.. and just know...
she saw a small group of boys hanging on the corner of 74th and clarkson,, in front of what used to be a chinese take out,, and now more closely resembled a shooting gallery of days gone by...
she slowed,, rolled down her window and yelled to them out the window,, without actually getting to close or stopping all the way...
"hey man,, any y'all workin'???"
the boys all turned and started toward her,, each one wanting to take her money... each one hiding behind the face of a child.. but possessing mind of a street hardened playa'....
she rolled to a slow stop....clicked off the fan on her air conditioner.... for once,, she really didn't mind being exposed to the heat...
"you cop?"
"you looks like a cop."
"she ain't no cop..."
"what chew need??"
all talking at once,, all wanting to be the hand that she palmed the cold hard green cash into.. each one knowing the game,, some willing participants.. some just hungry little thieves...
she looked at them.. she thought about all the times she had done this dying to get the drugs...and now she was getting the drugs... to die...
"eight tens a boy"...she interjected into their sea of distrust...
she watched all ten of the little brown eyes that were staring her up and down,,, light up...
her runner was selected,, the others would stay here with her to make sure she was "a'rite"
... and maybe hold her lighter, or her sunglasses or anything else they could talk her out of....
they thought they were winning.. they had no idea...they were the trick this time....
her boy returned,, eight tiny waxed paper envelopes with a picture of a monkey on a swing stamped carelessly on each one...
she gave the runner a ten.. it was all she had left... she wouldn't be needing it any more...the boys swarmed him,, each one wanting his own little sumpin' sumpin',, out of the deal...she drove off...
she was armed.. she was dangerous...it was check out time
chapter 2
flashback
june 23, 1995
she could hear the truck down shifting to a stop.. it had been such an awful day,, sleeping here in the hide-a-bed of a strangers truck was the closest thing to peace she had experienced all day........ she closed her eyes and instantly drifted right,, back,, to sleep… the 10 or more beers she had drank earlier in the evening making this given…
she awoke with a start some time soon after.. he was sitting on her chest... the fat, bald, truck driver... the one that had offered to take her as far as memphis... he was sitting on her chest,, holding her arms at her sides with his legs,, and he was pushing his short, fat, soft, glow in the dark white dick in her mouth… this wasn’t happening….
“suck it baby.. come on,,go on now,,, take it ,,,"
she did…
what else could she do.... he was sitting on her chest… she sucked him..
tears of utter frustration made their way out of the little slits in the huge purple swellings that surrounded both eyes… she and miguel had been drinking earlier in the night,, he started the whole "whore" thing again.. she fought back.. she was no match for him when he was hammered… he blackened both her eyes and broke her nose.. she ran into the night and hopped in the first ride that pulled over to let her in…
this guy… this trucker.. the one that had his dick in her mouth.. the one that was straddling her chest, restraining her arms with his legs,, the one that had the forethought to wash himself off with some kind of baby wipes,, she could smell them and taste them as he sat on her,, stuffing his dick,, in her mouth,, saying .. “there you go girl ,, that’s right,, you know oh,, yeah…..”
luckily for him,, he came quickly… lucky for her he had no other intentions.. when he was done,, he was done..he wanted her out of the truck…she would have stayed...she had no where to go...it was dark..
the sun hadn’t quite broke the horizon.. as she headed off toward what she assumed was the highway...she thought she saw a building up ahead…. maybe there would be a phone… who would she call??
he drove away before she had a chance to really think about what had happened…she cried, silent tears,, no sound.. no feeling.. just there..
the filling station was old and closed.. boarded windows.. no pumps.. no phone.. no nothing.. she was nowhere.. at least she had no clue where she was .. what direction he had really been driving.. how far from dallas she really was...
she was too drunk to notice before.. she had asked him if he would mind if she laid down.. it had been such a bad night,, she just wanted to lay down.. to pass out .. to make it all go away…she thought he felt sorry for her.. she thought when he actually saw her black and blue and bloody,,, and crying.. she thought he understood...
she thought he was telling the truth when he said he'd take her as far as memphis.. she could find her way to michigan from there.. to her mom.. she wanted her mom.. she wanted to go home...she laid down,, thinking that when she woke,, she would be half way there...
but... here she was... on a dark stretch of highway. somewhere in texas... walking in the middle of the road, as there wasn't a car coming in either direction.. she wouldn't have had the balls to stick her thumb out ,, if there had been one....
she walked… alone… first in the dark.. then in the itty bitty glow,, of the sun breaking over the flat texas horizon... the sky dark, and gray, and mournful…
she walked.. the highway was desolate.. she couldn’t fathom getting a ride.. not once it got light and people could see her,, could see the blue black of her disfigured face… see the blood all over her shirt, her jeans.. probably her face… where it hadn’t been washed away by the tears she didn't even really know she had been crying..
she walked, alone, into the sunrise.. and screamed at the top of her voice,,, into the nothingness… “ i quit.. i quit!!! you win.. you win!!! alright,, you win!!!!!!”
chapter 3
“you be good,, you dogs.. you wait for your mom.. i’ll be back as quick as i could my dogs.” she said to them as she readied herself to go out the door.. it was the same conversation,, whether she was going to work, or out to lunch, or to the doctor, like she was today, she had a standard line she used on them…. and they understood her. they knew by the repetitive words, and tone of voice, she was leaving and they weren’t going with her…
most people thought her obsessed,, and she probably was. those dogs were her world. they ate. slept, played, worked, together.. they did everything together.. she talked to them and about them as if they were people.. and truly.. to her .. they were…