Ghosts of Halloween Past
A quick glance at the calendar reminds me that it is, once again, time for the office Halloween party, and, as usual, I haven’t a clue as to what costume to wear. Last year I felt adventurous, so I opted for the ‘aging Elvis’ motif (shown above). Talk about your fashion mistakes… Felicia in Accounting still can’t look at me without shaking her head in pity.
But, I’m a year older and arguably, by standards applied to Americans in general, a year wiser, so with a little luck and possibly the services of a fashion coordinator, I’ll do a little better this year.
The thought process itself becomes onerous… no one wants to show up in a costume that someone else is wearing (and, in all likelihood, looking better in than you ever could), so the elimination process begins in earnest, ruling out most of the characters that immediately come to mind like Cowboy Sheep Lover, World’s Oldest Infant and Birth Re-enactment. No… I must search deeper.
Slut Puppy, Grandpa Spiderman, Kiss, Twisted Sister Monk, David Crosby on Acid, Sleepy Infant In Jammies with Feet… no, no, no! I decided to step out of the ‘celebrity’ paradigm and think about something inanimate… Uncle Snuffy’s Outhouse, Golden Gate Bridge, Mount Rushmore… nope, been there done that. Besides, last year Jimmy Stevenson came as Plaza Where The World Trade Center Once Stood, and he’s now running the Shipping Department in Bismarck.
Then, it came to me… I’d go as a Top-Selling Dollar Store Cash Register Item! Who wouldn’t enjoy seeing me dressed up as Flyswatter Three-Pack or Bottle of Emerald GreenTM Dishwasher Soap? I’m sure that the room would buzz as I walked in as Commemorative Gulf War Beef Jerky, Betsy Eyes Too Far Apart Doll or Box of Apple Jacks with Krull® Action Figure Inside. All enticing, but somehow lacking in verve… I’d have to search further.
18-pack Senor Volto Battery Pack, Artificial Screwdrivers, September Enquirer… all possibilities, but none inspire me to rush right out and start accumulating building materials.
I’ve got it! I have an idea for a costume that absolutely no one will see coming—Aging Corporate Engineer Dressed In Normal Business Attire! It’s brilliant! No one has ever seen me dressed like that before, so I’m willing to swallow my pride once… I may even consider leaving my huge foam “We’re #1” Finger at home. I know, I know… but, it’s okay, I can live without it for one night in the interest of office unity.
Plus, with any luck at all, I won’t get the unexpected Monday morning call to the boss’s office for the yearly post-Halloween-party ‘don’t-ever-do-that-again’ dressing-down.
Lord, the things I endure just to stay employed.