Chapter 4

You Gotta' Love A Peacemaker

Bubba's love of the outdoors is well known in the area.  If anyone were to give The Ewell Gibbons Award for extraordinary time spent in the woods, they'd have to enshrine it permanently in the sporting goods section of Wal-Mart, with “Bubba Strunk” emblazoned upon it. Bubba has accumulated every type of equipment having anything whatsoever to do with hunting, fishing, camping, shooting, or archery. Once he bought a Hummingbird depth-finder package complete with a satellite-activated global positioning system valued at $1100.  This would have been less remarkable if Bubba owned a boat.  Apparently, this really isn't as asinine as it would appear at first glance, because Bubba thought he could mount it on a deer stand and point it into the trees to help pinpoint game. When it failed to work to Bubba's satisfaction (the damn thing wouldn't pick up anything but squirrels and possums), Lou Clevins, Wal-Mart’s manager, refunded his money, except for the customary 15% re-stocking fee. All of the clerks knew Bubba by name, and there was a period of time when if they were asked a question that they couldn't answer, they'd either call Bubba or send the customer directly to him.  Lou even bought Bubba a cellular phone for his pickup, and it worked out pretty well for a while, until Bubba's friends found out about it.  Then, the 900 tolls became too staggering for Sam Walton himself to write off! 

Bubba tried to keep the costs down by taping the conversations and replaying them for friends while sitting over the campfire, a giggle for the boys. He wasn’t aware that this activity was a federal offense, and it most likely would never have even come to light at all, if Todd Jacobs’ fiancé hadn't borrowed the tape recorder out of Bubba's truck, with the cassette of Todd 's conversation with Misty Breeze still inside. It only made matters worse when Todd explained to Shirley he'd merely tried to show Bubba how such things were done... Like most women, Shirley wanted to know where TODD had learned all of these things, because they BY GOD hadn't been from her!

Chances are Todd and Shirley would have broken up anyway, but Shirley wouldn't talk to Bubba, and Todd wanted to kick his ass. Once again, in keeping with his record of futility, Bubba became the fall guy. The situation only got worse three weeks later when Bubba tried to make things right by sending Shirley a dozen red roses, with a card: 

            Dear Shirley,

         I'm so sorry the way things worked out. I'd like to make it up to you. Would you like to go camping for a few days?

            Love, Bubba

The DeKalb Medical Center isn't lavish, and the staff is comprised of a mixture of both professional and quasi-professional people, most of whom either have relatives and family in the immediate area or who never really acquired the skills necessary to secure employment in one of the larger hospitals in the region.  However, it’s adequate, for the most part, to deal with the more mundane injuries and maladies like fish hook removals and the occasional alcohol or drug intervention.

Recently, Bubba found this out first-hand. When Bubba awoke, Sheriff Miller was seated in the chair beside his bed. After he was certain that Bubba knew who he was, where he was, the approximate date, and how many fingers he was holding up, the constable asked Bubba if he could remember what had happened to him. Bubba recalled picking up Shirley Shively when she got off work at the mill, and heading for Atchafalaya Lake. He related how nice Shirley had been, and how much she’d liked the flowers he'd sent her. He even recalled how she'd slid over a little closer to him, as he drove out to the lake.

When asked about their conversation, Bubba recalled that it was small talk, mostly, quail populations and such. Bubba related that he’d cooked a quiet supper and everything was quite amicable. In fact, Bubba couldn't think of a single reason whatsoever that would cause a nice girl like Shirley to pick up his deer rifle and commence to try to bash his skull in with the stock!

As the sheriff explained to Bubba that they had found him hanging upside down from a tree limb, wrapped and tagged in a game bag, Bubba grinned and asked the sheriff if Shirley left on his sex organs so that the game warden could be sure that he was male, when he checked the tag. Bubba didn't want her to get into trouble… after all, it really had been his fault.