As most of you are no doubt aware, my mind holds boundless opportunity for the prospects of humanity’s betterment. For example, last night, while helping with supper, I inadvertently discovered a new suntan lotion capable of giving a person a full-bodied, golden tan without the benefit of sunlight!

Now, not only can one look like a bronze Greek god in the midst of winter anywhere on the planet, thereby invoking the admiring glances of passersby wherever s/he goes, one can also avoid the tissue damage associated with prolonged exposure to those harmful ultraviolet rays previously necessary to tan. Plus, the formula is inexpensive enough for anyone to enjoy, and can be made from ingredients found in any adequate kitchen.

Just the right combination of teriyaki, a little soy, Worcestershire sauce and a liberal splash of Liquid Smoke is sure to do the trick for you. In fact, the only reason I haven’t already patented it is that, according to my wife, the odor tends to leave one smelling like a giant bowl of hot and sour soup.

Oh, and one last hint… if you decide to try this at home, make sure you do it in the nude because the formula tends to stain anything it touches when you start to sweat.

Tomorrow, we’ll discuss duct tape as the new tin foil.