Well, despite the surgeons’ best attempts to secure my untimely demise, I’m back. Most of my family is still trying to convince me that this is really not the case, but I’m not buying it. I wish I could have been awake inside that room during my ‘procedure’, because after the initial snickering had calmed down amongst the team, and the surgeon-in-control handed over the reins to the resident making her/his initial foray into the realm of slicing and dicing, I envision the conversation going something like this:
Head surgeon: “Will someone please go get a stool for Dr. Gwack to stand on? At some point I’m sure she’ll be able to reach the table, but until she turns 14, let’s keep a stool handy.”
Dr. Gwack: “Far out! Like, I’ve never seen so many machines and, like, masks and stuff… hey, are these gloves supposed to fit so, like, tight?”
Head surgeon: “Forget that, they’re fine, I’m sure… look, no holes or anything. Pay attention, Dr. Gwack and I’ll try to talk you through this. Do you remember yesterday in medical school, right after recess, when they showed you all the pictures about surgery?”
Dr. Gwack (fingers to temples, scratching temple area and staring off into space): “Let’s see… was that, like, before or after my bff, Mandy, texted me about the way-cool concert we’re going to on, like, Friday night or such? Let’s see… surely I can remember back that far.”
Head surgeon: “Yes, you probably can… and don’t call me Shirley. I can see we should have waited until after your nap to start this, but we’re here and this room is costing this poor bastard a fortune, so just cut him open somewhere below the waist and we’ll fake it. Wait, Dr. Gwack, that’s not a scalpel, it’s a sagittal saw, just put it down. The scalpel is the one that looks like a knife. That’s a good girl… wait, you don't have to test it on your hair... and why aren't you wearing a cap?”
Be that as it may, I made it through to the next round. Seriously, thank you all for your kind messages, they mean even more now that the healing process has begun. I’m looking forward to resuming my semi-daily crapola and I trust it will meet the same low standards I’ve set for it in the past.
Peace... Bubba