Note: I didn't write this, but I thought it funny enough to pass along.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn Shop that 
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I
was looking for something extra-special for my wife, Toni. What I 
came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The
effects of the taser were supposed to be short-lived, with no long-
term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing the victim adequate
time to retreat to safety... WAY COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded 
two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue
arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

Awesome! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that
burn-spot is on the face of her microwave oven. 

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself
that it couldn't be all that bad, with only two triple-a batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat, Gracie, looking on intently, (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh-and-blood moving target. I must
admit I thought about zapping Grace (for a fraction of a second) but
thought better of it, she's such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give
this thing to my wife for protection against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the b ridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would
shock and disorient the assailant; a two-second burst was supposed
to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of body control; a three-
second burst would purportedly make the assailant flop on the ground
like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be
wasting batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little beauty measuring about 5" long
and less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded
with two itsy-bitsy triple-a batteries. Now, I'm thinking to myself, no
possible way!

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as if to say, don't do it, dude, reasoning that a one-second burst
from such a tiny little ol' thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to
give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER
OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body-slammed us both onto the carpet, over
and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, tears in my eyes, body soaking-wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body 
in the oddest position imaginable, and a strange tingling in my legs.
The cat was standing over me, making meowing sounds I had never
heard before and licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself,
do it again, do it again!

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: There is no such thing as a one-second burst when
you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing-about on the floor. A three-
second burst would be considered conservative.

SON OF A...that hurt like hell! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as
time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little of my wits
remained, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bend reading glasses
were on the mantel of the fireplace; how they got up there is anyone's
guess... my triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain and my bottom lip
weighed 88 pounds.  

I'm still looking for my testicles... I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return.

Still in shock,
Tommy