Unfortunately, I’m incapable of writing fantasy. My imagination simply isn’t good enough to envision such a world. Our “me first” attitudes have steeled me against such possibilities. For a long time, I thought it was just me or my generation— but now I see the same miserable attitudes in the generation after mine and their progeny as well. It seems to be the order of things, these days. Want to screw up your kid’s life? I’ll give you the perfect methodology:
1) From the time he’s first able to think conceptually, tell him that you think there’s no one better than him at everything he does, then miss his opportunities to prove it to you because something else is too important for you to give up.
2) When he turns out to be less than he desires to be at a particular endeavor, remind him that he isn’t working hard enough.
3) Continually admonish him ‘not to turn out like his old man’.
4) Reinforce his doubts by preaching class envy and let him know that every rich guy in the whole world either stole it or had someone leave it to him. Let him know that the sooner he learns his place, the better off he’ll be. The boss is a lazy suck-ass who brown-nosed his way to the top or married the owner’s daughter.
5) When your ‘b+’ average senior decides he wants to go to college, make sure he goes to a vocational school. Medical school and law school are for rich kids and minority kids who get handouts from the government. There’s no future in becoming a teacher, they don’t make as much as bus drivers… and if he doesn’t believe you, point out what a lousy education you got in public school. Besides, he doesn’t want to turn out to be a damn politician, does he?
6) Point him towards military service— if it was good enough for you, it’s good enough for him. It didn’t hurt you a damn bit to learn the ways of the world… even if there was that two-year period after Vietnam that you had to check into a halfway house to dry out.
7) Let him know how ‘the queers’ are messing up our society, and how sick it makes you to think about it. In fact, tell him every twenty minutes so that he’ll never think about theater or dancing or any extracurricular activities that don’t involve the possibility of getting a girl pregnant.
8) Tell him never to lose control and ‘go all the way’, but if he does, make sure he has condoms available, you’re much too young and good-looking to be a grandpa. Punch him in the arm as you laugh, let him know that he’s one of the boys.
9) Remind him of the evils of drugs. Tell him how disappointed and pissed you’ll be if he gets caught smoking reefer or snorting cocaine. Do this during your ‘father and son’ talk, just after you’ve popped the top on his third beer.
10) While looking at trucks in the showroom, offer to co-sign on the note for his brand-new Ford F-150 4X4 and surprise him with the trust fund his grandmother left him for college. Then, when the first payment is due, remind him that he’s a man, now, and a man always takes care of his responsibilities.
Think I’m kidding? I’m just giving you a history lesson.