This is my Challenge response to write a commercial about a hemorrhoid treatment:

Do your hemorrhoids flare even when you don’t eat chili? Does your rectum feel like a blast furnace even when you’re fasting? Does even the slightest bit of gas result in a two-hour stint in the crapper wishing someone had installed a fire hose?  

Hi, folks, I’m Clive Pustule, and even I, with my seven-figure income and home in Beverly Hills, used to suffer from the indignities presented by hemorrhoid flare-up. But thanks to Bubba Boy Industries, those days are gone, never to return. With new Liquid Chainsaw^®, the problem just goes away. One quick-and-easy application and in two short weeks—no more hemorrhoids!

Even though you’ll have to drive to Arkansas for the therapy since Liquid Chainsaw^® has not yet been approved anywhere but there, and even if there’s a chance that, like me, you’ll never again be able to wear a thong, the relief is worth it all! Act now and Bubba Boy Industries will throw in an absorbent cooling pad to wipe up the blood and discount airfare with TransBubba Airlines, with non-stop service from Des Moines, Terre Haute, Valparaiso, West Hoisington and Catfish Corners!

Please don’t wait… help is on the horizon! Our operator, Wanda Jean, is standing by and she gets a little pissy if nobody calls, so do me a favor and call now! We take all credit cards (even if they’re not really yours) and if you say you know Bubba, she’ll even throw in a letter of reference to the bondsman of your choice! Remember, the only thing you have to lose is your hemorrhoid pain and six months pay… act now!